Mid-Life Crisis

I've arrived at the conclusion that I might (probably) be going through a mid-life crisis. It's definitely a swirl of fucks. I've always been one to grab life by the balls and subsequently compare them to my own. Events in my life have come in waves. Not the gentle rolling ones heard on sound machines intended to lull you to sleep. No, my waves are the kind that pull you into its depths and drown you. At least I can say it has never been boring. In fact, as soon as it appears to calm down, I immediately seek out new sources of chaos (ain't hard to find). Maybe that shit finds me all on its own. I have a love-hate relationship with anxiety, though. Without the intense feeling of frayed nerves, I almost feel decadent; like I'm not doing enough. On the upside, my children have spectacular personalities. They are witty as shit. With a mom like me, they have learned to laugh at most situations and keep trucking. My daughter is a glorious ball of cynicism. She's an intelligent, beautiful disaster, ready to twat punch life. I couldn't be more proud. I mean, comedians get their material from life fails, not happily-ever-after bullshit. That's Disney channel stuff. My life is more like Showtime at three in the morning, don't-watch-with-your-mother kind of shit. Recently, my daughter discovered that she and her brothers have a half brother. I had nothing to do with that one; the making or the finding. So, that was fun. It was a solid, what-the-fuck kind of moment. Even more exciting, my oldest son has hit puberty like a drunk truck driver trying to text-order a hooker on the interstate. Shit is painful. He literally goes from hanging up on me when I say love you, to holding me in a hug and refusing to let go. Like, what the fuck dude, are you on your period? The youngest is going through some sort of emotional crisis, but he basically lost the genetic lottery with this hot mess, so that's not too surprising. My current situation is really colorful (you can substitute "fucked up" here). I over drew my account at a strip club the other night. That's a true story. In my defense I was being a loyal wing-man to my bestie- he pretty much fell in love with a stripper. Seriously, I'm at a place in my life where one minute I'm in the corner, fetal position, sucking my thumb or a straw in a beer; the next minute I'm flying full speed ahead unaware of what's happening around me. Being a mom for 15 years has started to wear my ass out. The emotional roller coaster, that constitutes all of the other nonsense going on, feels like I ate nachos, funnel cake, and a chili dog before I got on- Dude, stop the ride, I need to get off. I know I am not alone. I read other moms' posts and all the glorious parenting memes, and realize this fucking train wreck is happening in 90% of the other households held hostage by children. I feel so much comfort seeing others suffer in the same ways I do. Your pain brings me joy. So, I thank you mom who is barely holding your shit together. Let's get through this together with some wine, and maybe some medical marijuana. That should be a standard prescription given to new mothers as they leave the hospital. Like, here you go, you're gonna need this shit. Oh, and don't forget the Cool Ranch Doritos, yo.